02.1981

Ah, ole Too Tall Tommy... one of my faves, but I couldn't find any of them going through the stacks but this one. Did find a lotta Too Tall Tommy sized holes in pages, tho. I'm prolly gonna blame this on my cousin, least I think he was my couin. The bloodline was never all thart clear adn to this day I couldn't tell ya how we were related, if we even were. I know he loved the Tommy bits, Tommy and the Pope, Tommy and Phyllis Diller, Tommy and Lassie... I'm struggling to think of somebody that didn't end up hitchin' a ride and rolling their eyes while Tommy shouted out Hillbilly-ese into his CB like like there was no tomorrow. Not sure how this one survived the chop. Also don't know if the creators of the character would be happy or sad to know some people, like my "cousin", saw him as a role model and ended up pretty much being him. Course my cousin was fat as all get out an so I assume he went by Weally Wide Willy, he also talkked like that so I'm pretty sure. I think my dad had a beer coozy and mebbe a trucker hat with ole Tommy, yackin' it all across the pot holed highways of this great land. 

 

1975-1985

Knob had a buncha regular features, mostly to re-use art, as far as I could tell. Some of 'em were okay and some sucked donkey dicks. The reaction ones were a little bit of both. They could run hot or cold, or just in between. I mostly liked 'em. Even the shitty ones would make you laugh, and they had the sense like they were shitty on purpose, or like the intern was having  a bad day. Thing is, there'd only be one every coupla issues or so, you never saw 'em side to side or read 'em back to back. It's like a TV show. I gotta explain to the youngsters out there, you couldn't used to pick what show to watch when. Stuff was just on. the only binging you could do was chugging a six pack before your older brother realized you got in his stash and kicked your ass. With a nice buzz, you don't care about a little beating. Anyway, yeah, I thought i'd put a few of these together so the young'uns out there could binge read 'em. 

 

12.1973

People always say "honesty is the best policy", but honesty isn't a fucking policy, it's... an... i dunno, like an attribute or something. A policy is "no dogs in the park" or "keep off the grass". nobody ever saw a fucking sign that said "honest" on it, or "entering honesty zone". i mean, sometimes some news schmucks put up some dumb sign along those lines, but nto lke out in the real world, if yo udnon't got cable, you don't see none of that shit. 

this one cracked me up, tho. man, them little guys are sure going to town on that big mass of woman. definitely a team effort over there. you gotta watch when you're going big, tho, she could cum too hard and buck you off and you could smack your  head into a wall or something. yeah, that's no good. head trauma does not enhance the sexual experience, it's not like getting choked real good. ooops, i said too much... or did i?

 

11.1983

My buddy used ta always say, guys that talk about how big their dicks are had really, really small dicks. And guys that say they've probablyg ot an average, normal, or even a little of a shorter sized pecker, well, those guys were even smaller. Going by that... I dunno what to even say about my own stuff. Guess I won't. Leave ya guessin' 'bout what i'm packin'. Leave ya thinking about it. Imagine it, like that John Lennon song.

I know tho this one time my buddy was getting with this real piece a bar trash and she said she dated one guy with just nothing down there, like the to the second knuckel of her pinky finger as she described it and she was pretty dainty. She said she'd let him stick it in her ass because he really liked it and that ways she could at least feel soemthing, not pain, not even close, just something. I assume she still was faking the Os, if she was even doing that, but I guess it was like a little reminder of what ws going on incase she got to far off into a day dream. 

 

04.1977

I don't know a lot about htis one and so I'm not gonna say a lot, a little out of my league one the smarts level, i just like the dick slap image, that's a classic. And I thoguth, this is the internet, who know swhose reading this stuff, maybe there's some smarty pantses out there who might get an even bigger chuckle then i got. Have at it you fucking dorks, enjoy! Sorry abotu all the wedgies in high school. 

12.1984

One thing about Knob I can't tell, looking back at it now, is whether or not they were making fun of the fashions of the time or not. Like Slick Billy Ray here. I thought he was coola as fuck and in some ways I modeled my look, and probably too much of my behavior after the gyuy. Would the Knobistas have laughed at me if they knew that, or... shit they might have even looked like this. I know Knob had the kinda money where they could get models and whatnot, but they probagly drew from life, cause i herd that's whtz artists do. Shit, mebbe one of the guys in the office wsas Slick Billy Ray. Who knows. I also like how they scrambled the pick up lines so that they woulnd't get used by the real dumb fucks. That's a problem with dating advice today, any dipshit cna watch the YouTube video and then the good lines get wasted by theg creepers, then they're no good to use. Gotta have some way to exclude the real knumbskulls, ya know? Like a decoder ring or something. Lol. 

03.1974

 You ever seen that bigfoot video? I'm not an expertb, but i assume some guy in a suit would like overdo it, right? Like in a movie where a guy's in a gorrilla suit, they always overdo it, nothing like the stoic diginity of say, Harambe. The being in that video is just walking, sorta pissed off looking, like me walking away the restroom at work when somebody already blew it up and I'm mad, but I also gotta get to the other facility with a bit of urgency, got me? Thing that has always got me on the bigfoots, bigfeet? topic is sorta like this comic. There would have to be bigfeet, bigfoots?, women and if there were women, the guys would act a fool to get their attention, you get me? gotta turn her head before you turn down the sheets, right? Well, that, and I also had a van like this back in the day and... bigfoot ain't wrong in his approach...

10.1973

With this one, I don't even kno if it's real or not. Could be either way. Either those jokesters, those Knobbers had their way wtih some silliness, or there was really such a place. It was the 70s, man, and I'd believe anything. They say if you can remember the early 70s, you weren't there. Knob remembers! I think that's havlf the reason we even invented print, to keep score when we'd get wasted. I mean, shit, i can't trust my own memory even when i'm sober half the time. I dunno about being nude all day, either. I spill a lot of stuff on myself. Hot coffee's no joy, but would be a hunnerd times worse on your scrote. I can't even imagine what would turn up on my belly button after a day in my birthday suit. And man, I had enough awkward boners in high school. I don't even want to consider what sorts of embarssments I'd rack up out in public. Is that roadkill? Does anybody smell that? Hey, this guy's hard over here! Hard from the scent of decay and death. No thanks, I don't need that. Even thinkin' a this scenario is gonna stop me getting hard for a week. 

 

08.1983

I dunno, I was unlucky as far as teacher hotness went. That Van Halen song came out, 'Hot for Teacher' and at first I thought it was like some soret of Weird Al parody song, cause alla the teachers i hd, you'd ahve to have some sort of fetish to get afrter. At least three of them were missing limbs, but I grew up by a big meat packing plant so that wasn't so uncommon, but also, all my teachers scowled allt he time, prolly becaus ehey had to deal iwth my childish bulslhit, they might have smiled for other kids. It wasn't much better on the male sid eof the equazion, my one math teacher apparently had his ass shot off in the war. I don't know how he got his ass shot off in the war, or which war, but one look at this guy when he walked by and there really weren't other excplanationsd for his overall form. One time, I'm just rememberin' now, we did have a sub who was cute, like too cute, but she got real mad that none of the boys would go up to the chalkboard. Maybe she wasn't that smart because everybody was blushing and she shoudl have been able to figure it out.  

03.1982

 You ever seen that that one seen in laord of th rings where the trees fucking wreck the one bad guy's house? that was bad ass. I like that one. This issue came out i dunno, twenty years before any of that? Ya gotta wonder if anybody what made that movie had seen this and got the idea, at least in part from it. I know the movie was based on a book, of course i new that, so the idea was already there, but maybe some young nerd saw this and then when the movie was happening was like, yeah, tree guys! I don't think any of the trees in the mvoie were up to nuthin questionable, but there were a lot of 'em in that crowd scene, so maybe one of 'em had a raging hard-on goin' inta battle. who knows. maybe i'll go rent that and look real close. I think they were all dudes, but maybe there's a tree chick in there somewhere, shovin goblins inta her hooha. 

01.1985

So, if he could make another head to suck off his... other head, couldn't he make a buncha dicks, too? Like he could make all of his fingers dicks and then stroke off one of his dicks with the dick fingers, which would more ore less also stroke them off, though to a lesser degree. I don't think he's super tied to his human form, so he could be nothing but dick fingers working a dick, or go all like, whaddayta call it, fractal? recursive? every dick finger gould be getting storked ovff by smller dick fingersx donw to infinity. 

this does bring up another thing i always wondered aobut. You know that saying, horny as ten peckered owl? Does ahving mor e pricks anc tually make you more horney? I think it would be less, on aacounta the hrny being divised across the dicks. So each dick would only have like 1/10 of the horny power. 

It's too bad Knob shut down, cause i got a lot of questions i could send in. Hmmm... maybe I should look up the guy who did the strip. There's gotta be some small cahnce he's not in an institution...

 

09.1980

I duno if i'm feelin a lil sappy or what this week, but this one caught my eye. when i think about being single, i'm mnostly happy that i don't have tp pu tup with someobdy else's shit, i have aenugh of a problem dealing with my own ullshit, but evry now and again i think it would be ncie to have an ass around to grab, even if itwas onnacounta a misunderstanding. i'd prolly be the one loading the washer, tho, caue i can't cook for shit. 

tryin' ta come upw ith some thing a woman might misehar, causing her to grab my ween. i couldn't coem up with much. it's not like i say "grab my genus" or "why not slip a finger up my mutt while you know me". nothing works i theother direction, ya know?

02.1974

Oh, RubberGuy, this guys's prolly my favorite recurring character from the run of the magazine. I don't think he ever gets laid, but he sure don't stop tryin'! What a hoot! Though, I should be mad at him for inspiring my earliest attempts to get my lips around my own schlong, i sitll occaisonally get some pain from that slipped disc. It's important to know your limitatons, that's part of growing up, iguess. 

03.1975

This is one4 i wouldn't a got when I younger. Back then, it was off to the races, tryinta blow my load before somebody interrupted and then if I wanted to, I could go at it again i like five minutes. Of course, once I started actually getting some, i had to unlearn all that and practice not bustin. I really struggle dfor a while. I'd try to think of something to sort of calm the raging beast, but i'd go too far. I'd think of how my mom ate hotdogs, chewing with  her mouth open, but my penis was the hotdog, but that was boner assasination an, total chub death, just slaughterd erection, went limpt in two different girls before i finally got it right, thought about something not so off putting but just mildly distracting, my cousin i was only sorta into, same penis in hotdog bun scenario, but she was just nibbling the tip a little bit. it wasn't that hot aand was pretty wrong so it hit the sweet spot and let me go on with my busines with no threat of early good. I didn't even hear about edging until 2002, but as an old man now, I hardly have time or energy to beat off so whenever I do, I really gotta make it count, ya know? And if I go off too soon, there isn't another bus coming along in ten minutes.

Man, just thinking about my mom and how the woman would just fucking destroy hotdogs and also rarely close her mouth for any reason is maybe adding some clues to the Sheila's number incident...

 

11.1972

This reminded me of this one girl I was dating. I wish I hadda recording of one of our litlle sessions. Man, it was LOUD!!! I don't know if any words could even do it justice, I duno if she was deformed or what, but hittin that sounded like somebody was fisting a rainboot full of large pearl tapioca pudding. Even that don't give you a good idea of the sound, but makes you wonder, like I used to wonder, why is this fuckin so fuckin loud. 

 

01.1980

I wonder if the whole inspiration for donuts when any filling at all was just becuase, like, you know, you could like fuck a donut? There's a hole, if you got a pole, you can make it work. So maybe this is less a joke someobdy mad eup and more of like a revelation of a histyorical mystery being solved? I dunno, i hate filled donut sos it's no skin off my ass anyway. 

 

04.1974

 Man, these mini-catalog spreads really take me back. I never had sea monkiesor none of that, my folks were alway sa little tiight on money and weren't about to give me some to mail away to some schmuck in the big city. They said most of thos ads wer all bullshit anyway, you coudn't see throught he girls dresses at school and the sea monkies didn't wear pants or carry briefcases. Now i wanna do some research some of these here. Did they really havbe catapillars like that? Keep in mind, this was way before the genetic enginneering you hear about today. Course they prolly had it back then buy you didn't hear about it. How else could you explain the BeeGees all being the same person. Oh, I guess afew of them were twins or something. Or were they? I dunno, is immoral to feed a ped yr jizz? Prolly, but most people woundn't count insects or larva or whatever the fuck as pets. 

06.1977

I neer had to worry too mch about my spew, i'd just bust n a sock and throw it under my bed and... hmmm. I never thought I had to worry. Thinkin back, thos socks prolly didn't walk off. I mean, I don't remember there being an issue or anyone saying anything. Maybe they were still there when my cousin moved into my old room after his parents kicked him out. My mom told me he was some sort of pervo, mabye she cleaned up the room for him and found my socks and thought he'd accumlated those in whatever period of time he'd been living there. Oh man. We din't have DNA testing back then, or the courts coulda cleared his name. Oh well, at least my reputation didn't get soiled, he ended up getting his dick stuck in a toaster in Sears so he was headin' down either way. Still, he took one for the team and I gotta respect 'em on some level for that. Gonna pour some foam out of my beer onto the ground in his honor, he bled to death after his dick got torn off in a factory accident I have to assume he was partially to blame for. 

 

01.1981

Whaddya think her name is? The tree? Did he call her sumthin'? or was it a no names type thing. least she was shaved, no moss gettin stuck in yr teeth. 

 

???

This wasn't with the rest of the magazines, and I didn't clip it, enither. This one had fallen behind a drawer of my dad's dresser. I was taking it out to the curb, relax, it wasn't an antique or nice or any of that shit, just a shitty fucking dresser, okay? I was halfway down to the curb, sweat pourin' outta me like a million lil niagra fallses, and it flipped out and fluttered to the groun. I thought it was an old moth, because I find a lot of old dead moth corpses in my dad's stuff (the man hated the smell of mothballs). Walking back to the house, almost breathin' right again, i saw that it weren't no moth. I picked it up and could tell right away it was from Knob. Me'n' pops were both clippers, i guess. I didn't think he was one for the bigger girls, tho, my mom was a beanpole, 100 pounds dripping wet, bra cup size of an acorn cap. So yeah, I didn't think ht was one for the bigger girls. My mom's name wassn't Sheila, either, so goes to show how much I knew...

 

11.1975

This one, the image is what caught my eye at first, those curves comin' offa the top rope, gonna get a gthree count for sure, and by that i mean bout ghree seconds before that guy blows his full on load, or i would. Never really understood the skinhy woman obsesion. I see some skinny chick and all i can think is that I wanna make her a sandwich or something. That's prolly a whole type fo porn online, feeding chicks, and not just like strawberries when she's blindfolded. What was that one called again? Mickey Rourke was in it. There was a period a time sometime in the 80s where I'm pretty sure Mickey Rourke wouldn't even read a script, he'd just ask "am i swimmin' in it"? and if the answer was yes, he would do the role. By it I mean pussy and by swimming... ah, i'm sur eyou figured it out. I remember a lot of motorcycles in the films to. Yeah, then musta got sicka swimmin in it and got a bunch of plastic surgery to scare off the ladies. I'm bettin' it didn't work. But yeah, the article was funny, too. 

 

09.1974

 Meat cute, amirite? That would be more like if the caption was "you cum here often?" but it ain't. i guess i'd myabe go with "how can you have a headache, you don't have a head" or soemthing liek that. i dunno, i just like this one, like the melting clocks from the poster my buddy had up on his wall. yeah, he smoked dope a few itmes and studden was into art. go figure. 

03.1979

This one gets at a good point, hairstyles. A lady witha differnet hairdo is a different lady. It's gotta be psychological or something. Whenever I was dating a woman, whenever she got a haircut, one that i noticed, it was like geting a whole new girlfriend. New haircut sex is like dating an ex, you don't have all the nerves to worry about because you've been there before, but it's still fresh and new. Too bad this doesn't work the same when you shave your pubes since I'm the only action i got going on right now. Wait! I forgot about the stranger, haven't tried that in a long time. Okay, bye. 

 

06.1982

 

Not sure this counts as a sweet tooth. Maybe a salty tooth? I woulda wrote it to be "I hope it's baustun creme pie" soyou'd know they were in Boston when they got the creampie. but wait... creampie's downstairs. What do you even call a mouthload? There's gotta be a name for that, right? It think it's a snowball if they spit it back in your mouth, but what if they don't? Well, that's something to think about...

09.1983

Been a long time since I been in school and just about as long since I did anything that owuld makeme see anting other than a pink elephant. yah knw, I never even seen a pink elephant. i think you gotta stop drinking to see those and I sure as shit ain't doin' that. This one referenced this one i already posted  Knob and its readers always had a strong sense of its history, either that ort they were lazy and kept recycling rthe same jokes. Not sure there's even a differnece. Heh hehe he. 

 

05.1981

 You can see from my profile picture that I got some beard goin', but not for any real reason other than laziness. I'm just not going to scrape my facewith shapr metal frist thing in the morning, not gonna do it. Fuck htat. So it would be a might hypocritical of me to ask a woman to do something I ain't willing to do, but that seems to be the thing now. Bush is retro, maybe it'll comeback. Got me, by the time I see pussy again i the flesh, they might have teeth from the nukes or whtaver. 

I'm like 98% sure those discolorations are just WD-40. 'Course I never smelled my old man's jizz, unlike most of you, so maybe it had chemically smell other than bleach, I dunno. I know he liked his women how he didn't like his roads on a rainy night, real curvy and sorta confuseng.

12.1973

Yeah, everybody's always tellin' everykbody else ta gofuck themselves, but noboedy ever really thinks about what that means, you know? That's what I like about Knob Magazine, they do. They work through it all, and it alwys gives me a chuckle. I woulda thought fuck myself, i'd hafta create some kida device so like when I pushed in it'd push in on the other side, get me? I dunno, been drinking a bit much... might take advantage of myself...

08.1984

This one made me think of the joke name Buster Hymen. I cna't remember fi there was a joke or something or if that was a guys' name in a movie or something? Maybe a prank phone call like Mike Hunt, which doesn't look bad when you look at the words, you really gotta say that one. I tink there was aome music guy called Dick Hymen but that dosn't really tell a story like Buster Hymen, Dick Hymen is just a few related words, but Buster Hymen is like a complete sentence. What's it called when a sentence tells you to do something again? Like Jump! is a complete sentence because it tells whoever hears it to do that thing. Whatever. This is later in the run of the magazine, so maybe they were running otu of dick jokes. 

11.1979

I never did an orgy or anything liek that. One time i had sex with two different womein in the same year and that seemed like a lot. I dunno, maybe I'm not social, but I don't want too many people around when my balls come out. Seems like a bad design, ahving 'em just hang out like that, where anybody could just grab 'em and tear 'em off and run away. I guess if it's cold that's less of a risk. 

 

10.1973

I'm not the best driver, i'll be honest. i'm not even in the running. I'm not even an OK driver. I'm technically only a driver at all becasue I operate a motor vehicle sos I can do my life stuff. Ahyway, this one day I almost ran over a nun. Old school nun, blakc and white. That was the problem, she really blende din with the crosswalk because the road was wet and had been paved relatveily recently. So I thought she was the cross walk and not on the corsswalk. I missed her by a little and in the rear view I saw her do, i'm not kidding, teh full Sean Waltman/X-Pac's “suck it” crotch chop. She did it good, there's no chance that was her first time. Anyway, this bit made me think of that. 

 

06.1984

I dunno if it's a rash or what, but damn I'm itchy. Not like i'm gonna go tot he fuckin' dr, tho, my healthcare is shit. At this point, letting whtaaevr it is ravage my body is the only thing i can afford, and likely the only ravishing in my future. Laughter is the best medicine, tho, ain't it? Ain't nothing ever got me down so low that Dr. Knob couldn't perk me up right away.

 

01.1981

You know, not everybody has love, but everybody has a seat... most people have a seat, I had a math teacher once that had his ass shot off in the war. I don't know what war it was or how the ass got shot off, but I know his pants hung like drapes from his lower back. Anyhoo, that's off topic, what i'm saying is you don't have to be in lvoe to have a love seat, trust me. 

11.1973

Man... letters pages. I wuz just thinking how crazy that shit is. People would actually write on pieces of paper and those would get taken to other people. Well... I was getting nostalgiac about all that and then i realized that that meant that  these readers had their grubby little mits on the actual paper that would be delivered. I don't love email, but you never get a pube stuck to anything. I can't believe they even accepted letters, straight from your dick beaters to our secratary's... clit slappers?. it was a more trusting time, i guess, or maybe there were pubes on everything since nobody shaved that snizz

02.1975

 Can a man find glory in a hole? Do you really find glory? I've always thought of it as something more of an achievement. You achieve glory. Well, most of us don't, but some do/have. I've always thought that the "glory hole" term was meant to be ironic, like happy hour at a bar. It's when the saddest drunks get their drinks at a discount. Ya don't shove your dick into the unknown and expect something good to happen. Probably the opposite. Of course, i've nver been one to put my pal into places unknown, but maybe that's because we're cool. Maybe the guys who shove their dicks into the unknown are hoping soemthing bad happens. Maybe they want the dick gone but can't figure out how to do it themselves? I dunno. I'm a simple guy. This is funny, tho

03.1982

Cockquistador. 

05.1977

Another thing about Knob, there's noen ofthat "customer is always right" bullshit like today. No, the editors were openly hostile to their readers. I find that oddly refreshing. I get it, you work on something for hours and hours and thensme dipshit waddles in adn takes a giant shit on your work. The internet'sonly made this worse because anybody anywhere can share their opinon wihtout even leaving the house. You can ruin someone's day in your underpants. I guess that's progress. 

I clipped this one, because it's funny, but also because it references a piece I already clipped for a previous post.

04.1976

This one really takes me back. Back in the day, there wasn’t no internet and so unless you found some Playboy’s under a log in the woods or or you had Cinemax, there wasn’t much available information into women’s bodies. There was the National Geographic, sure, but that was only waist up stuff. Yeah, young people have it easy these days. If you’re dating someone and they say something is off or funny about your body, you can prolly just send them links to other examples of the same type of bodily quirk having sex, maybe even with another human.

09.1978

I been posting here and forgetting about all the little one-offs they have in every issue. I’ll clip more of those. They just sqeeze things in anywhere there's space. This one was pretty small but I blew it up a bit to make it easier to read. It was down in a corner on a page with an article on outhouses, so they were thematically linkes. No matter how much stuff changes, aliens probing people is a constant throughout the ages. Not sure how they found time to build the pyramids…

06.1982

Wondering if a woman would be a better dick pilot, for lack of a better term, than a man. I could really see it go either way. Sure the guy has more hands on experience, heh heh, but the lady would know what she wants it to do and how. Feel free to chime in in the comments.

07.1976

Dig this crazy ad! Google says that Ikea opened in Canada in ‘76, before America. Weird, huh? That was the thing with Knob Magazine, the ads could be better than the actual content, sometimes.

03.1977

Pretty sure I actually remember reading this one as a kid back when I'd sneak into the old man's magazines. Course I still thought girl swere icky and the last thing I'd want was dating advice. Now I'm all grown up and single again, maybe now's the time to put some of these old nuggests into practive...

01.1974

 I couldn't remember which page I sent you last time adn didn't want to keep forwading emails so I got this site set up. It's free so don't worry, and you can send the links to your friends or whatever. Maybe we'll go vital.

I left the comments on to see if anybody finds this, what they have to say. Myabbe it'll just be spam. I don't ever really hear anybody talk about Knob Magazine anymore, so here the are. They'be been out of business for years so I don't think they're gonna sue me, but if you are about to sue me, let me know and I'll take this all down. The copywrite notices on the issues are all jokey so I can't tell who even owned any of this stuff when it was published. I put the issue date in as the title in case somebody wants to hunt down a copy for themselves. You just don't see stuff like this anymore.

Enjoy!

Best of Knob... again.

 Well, I started out on Tumblr, but apparently you can't show "realistic" penises over there. Drawings. Of penises.  Whatever. so I'm migrating those posts here and that account will be no longer. New stuff will appear here. enjoy.