02.1972

Oh, RubberGuy, this guys's prolly my favorite recurring character from the run of the magazine. I don't think he ever gets laid, but he sure don't stop tryin'! What a hoot! Though, I should be mad at him for inspiring my earliest attempts to get my lips around my own schlong, i sitll occaisonally get some pain from that slipped disc. It's important to know your limitatons, that's part of growing up, iguess. 

03.1975

This is one4 i wouldn't a got when I younger. Back then, it was off to the races, tryinta blow my load before somebody interrupted and then if I wanted to, I could go at it again i like five minutes. Of course, once I started actually getting some, i had to unlearn all that and practice not bustin. I really struggle dfor a while. I'd try to think of something to sort of calm the raging beast, but i'd go too far. I'd think of how my mom ate hotdogs, chewing with  her mouth open, but my penis was the hotdog, but that was boner assasination an, total chub death, just slaughterd erection, went limpt in two different girls before i finally got it right, thought about something not so off putting but just mildly distracting, my cousin i was only sorta into, same penis in hotdog bun scenario, but she was just nibbling the tip a little bit. it wasn't that hot aand was pretty wrong so it hit the sweet spot and let me go on with my busines with no threat of early good. I didn't even hear about edging until 2002, but as an old man now, I hardly have time or energy to beat off so whenever I do, I really gotta make it count, ya know? And if I go off too soon, there isn't another bus coming along in ten minutes.

Man, just thinking about my mom and how the woman would just fucking destroy hotdogs and also rarely close her mouth for any reason is maybe adding some clues to the Sheila's number incident...

 

11.1972

This reminded me of this one girl I was dating. I wish I hadda recording of one of our litlle sessions. Man, it was LOUD!!! I don't know if any words could even do it justice, I duno if she was deformed or what, but hittin that sounded like somebody was fisting a rainboot full of large pearl tapioca pudding. Even that don't give you a good idea of the sound, but makes you wonder, like I used to wonder, why is this fuckin so fuckin loud. 

 

01.1980

I wonder if the whole inspiration for donuts when any filling at all was just becuase, like, you know, you could like fuck a donut? There's a hole, if you got a pole, you can make it work. So maybe this is less a joke someobdy mad eup and more of like a revelation of a histyorical mystery being solved? I dunno, i hate filled donut sos it's no skin off my ass anyway. 

 

04.1974

 Man, these mini-catalog spreads really take me back. I never had sea monkiesor none of that, my folks were alway sa little tiight on money and weren't about to give me some to mail away to some schmuck in the big city. They said most of thos ads wer all bullshit anyway, you coudn't see throught he girls dresses at school and the sea monkies didn't wear pants or carry briefcases. Now i wanna do some research some of these here. Did they really havbe catapillars like that? Keep in mind, this was way before the genetic enginneering you hear about today. Course they prolly had it back then buy you didn't hear about it. How else could you explain the BeeGees all being the same person. Oh, I guess afew of them were twins or something. Or were they? I dunno, is immoral to feed a ped yr jizz? Prolly, but most people woundn't count insects or larva or whatever the fuck as pets. 

06.1977

I neer had to worry too mch about my spew, i'd just bust n a sock and throw it under my bed and... hmmm. I never thought I had to worry. Thinkin back, thos socks prolly didn't walk off. I mean, I don't remember there being an issue or anyone saying anything. Maybe they were still there when my cousin moved into my old room after his parents kicked him out. My mom told me he was some sort of pervo, mabye she cleaned up the room for him and found my socks and thought he'd accumlated those in whatever period of time he'd been living there. Oh man. We din't have DNA testing back then, or the courts coulda cleared his name. Oh well, at least my reputation didn't get soiled, he ended up getting his dick stuck in a toaster in Sears so he was headin' down either way. Still, he took one for the team and I gotta respect 'em on some level for that. Gonna pour some foam out of my beer onto the ground in his honor, he bled to death after his dick got torn off in a factory accident I have to assume he was partially to blame for. 

 

01.1981

Whaddya think her name is? The tree? Did he call her sumthin'? or was it a no names type thing. least she was shaved, no moss gettin stuck in yr teeth. 

 

09.1980

This wasn't with the rest of the magazines, and I didn't clip it, enither. This one had fallen behind a drawer of my dad's dresser. I was taking it out to the curb, relax, it wasn't an antique or nice or any of that shit, just a shitty fucking dresser, okay? I was halfway down to the curb, sweat pourin' outta me like a million lil niagra fallses, and it flipped out and fluttered to the groun. I thought it was an old moth, because I find a lot of old dead moth corpses in my dad's stuff (the man hated the smell of mothballs). Walking back to the house, almost breathin' right again, i saw that it weren't no moth. I picked it up and could tell right away it was from Knob. Me'n' pops were both clippers, i guess. I didn't think he was one for the bigger girls, tho, my mom was a beanpole, 100 pounds dripping wet, bra cup size of an acorn cap. So yeah, I didn't think ht was one for the bigger girls. My mom's name wassn't Sheila, either, so goes to show how much I knew...

 

11.1975

This one, the image is what caught my eye at first, those curves comin' offa the top rope, gonna get a gthree count for sure, and by that i mean bout ghree seconds before that guy blows his full on load, or i would. Never really understood the skinhy woman obsesion. I see some skinny chick and all i can think is that I wanna make her a sandwich or something. That's prolly a whole type fo porn online, feeding chicks, and not just like strawberries when she's blindfolded. What was that one called again? Mickey Rourke was in it. There was a period a time sometime in the 80s where I'm pretty sure Mickey Rourke wouldn't even read a script, he'd just ask "am i swimmin' in it"? and if the answer was yes, he would do the role. By it I mean pussy and by swimming... ah, i'm sur eyou figured it out. I remember a lot of motorcycles in the films to. Yeah, then musta got sicka swimmin in it and got a bunch of plastic surgery to scare off the ladies. I'm bettin' it didn't work. But yeah, the article was funny, too. 

 

09.1974

 Meat cute, amirite? That would be more like if the caption was "you cum here often?" but it ain't. i guess i'd myabe go with "how can you have a headache, you don't have a head" or soemthing liek that. i dunno, i just like this one, like the melting clocks from the poster my buddy had up on his wall. yeah, he smoked dope a few itmes and studden was into art. go figure. 

03.1979

This one gets at a good point, hairstyles. A lady witha differnet hairdo is a different lady. It's gotta be psychological or something. Whenever I was dating a woman, whenever she got a haircut, one that i noticed, it was like geting a whole new girlfriend. New haircut sex is like dating an ex, you don't have all the nerves to worry about because you've been there before, but it's still fresh and new. Too bad this doesn't work the same when you shave your pubes since I'm the only action i got going on right now. Wait! I forgot about the stranger, haven't tried that in a long time. Okay, bye. 

 

06.1982

 

Not sure this counts as a sweet tooth. Maybe a salty tooth? I woulda wrote it to be "I hope it's baustun creme pie" soyou'd know they were in Boston when they got the creampie. but wait... creampie's downstairs. What do you even call a mouthload? There's gotta be a name for that, right? It think it's a snowball if they spit it back in your mouth, but what if they don't? Well, that's something to think about...

09.1983

Been a long time since I been in school and just about as long since I did anything that owuld makeme see anting other than a pink elephant. yah knw, I never even seen a pink elephant. i think you gotta stop drinking to see those and I sure as shit ain't doin' that. This one referenced this one i already posted  Knob and its readers always had a strong sense of its history, either that ort they were lazy and kept recycling rthe same jokes. Not sure there's even a differnece. Heh hehe he. 

 

05.1981

 You can see from my profile picture that I got some beard goin', but not for any real reason other than laziness. I'm just not going to scrape my facewith shapr metal frist thing in the morning, not gonna do it. Fuck htat. So it would be a might hypocritical of me to ask a woman to do something I ain't willing to do, but that seems to be the thing now. Bush is retro, maybe it'll comeback. Got me, by the time I see pussy again i the flesh, they might have teeth from the nukes or whtaver. 

I'm like 98% sure those discolorations are just WD-40. 'Course I never smelled my old man's jizz, unlike most of you, so maybe it had chemically smell other than bleach, I dunno. I know he liked his women how he didn't like his roads on a rainy night, real curvy and sorta confuseng.

12.1973

Yeah, everybody's always tellin' everykbody else ta gofuck themselves, but noboedy ever really thinks about what that means, you know? That's what I like about Knob Magazine, they do. They work through it all, and it alwys gives me a chuckle. I woulda thought fuck myself, i'd hafta create some kida device so like when I pushed in it'd push in on the other side, get me? I dunno, been drinking a bit much... might take advantage of myself...

08.1984

This one made me think of the joke name Buster Hymen. I cna't remember fi there was a joke or something or if that was a guys' name in a movie or something? Maybe a prank phone call like Mike Hunt, which doesn't look bad when you look at the words, you really gotta say that one. I tink there was aome music guy called Dick Hymen but that dosn't really tell a story like Buster Hymen, Dick Hymen is just a few related words, but Buster Hymen is like a complete sentence. What's it called when a sentence tells you to do something again? Like Jump! is a complete sentence because it tells whoever hears it to do that thing. Whatever. This is later in the run of the magazine, so maybe they were running otu of dick jokes. 

11.1979

I never did an orgy or anything liek that. One time i had sex with two different womein in the same year and that seemed like a lot. I dunno, maybe I'm not social, but I don't want too many people around when my balls come out. Seems like a bad design, ahving 'em just hang out like that, where anybody could just grab 'em and tear 'em off and run away. I guess if it's cold that's less of a risk. 

 

10.1973

I'm not the best driver, i'll be honest. i'm not even in the running. I'm not even an OK driver. I'm technically only a driver at all becasue I operate a motor vehicle sos I can do my life stuff. Ahyway, this one day I almost ran over a nun. Old school nun, blakc and white. That was the problem, she really blende din with the crosswalk because the road was wet and had been paved relatveily recently. So I thought she was the cross walk and not on the corsswalk. I missed her by a little and in the rear view I saw her do, i'm not kidding, teh full Sean Waltman/X-Pac's “suck it” crotch chop. She did it good, there's no chance that was her first time. Anyway, this bit made me think of that. 

 

06.1984

I dunno if it's a rash or what, but damn I'm itchy. Not like i'm gonna go tot he fuckin' dr, tho, my healthcare is shit. At this point, letting whtaaevr it is ravage my body is the only thing i can afford, and likely the only ravishing in my future. Laughter is the best medicine, tho, ain't it? Ain't nothing ever got me down so low that Dr. Knob couldn't perk me up right away.

 

01.1981

You know, not everybody has love, but everybody has a seat... most people have a seat, I had a math teacher once that had his ass shot off in the war. I don't know what war it was or how the ass got shot off, but I know his pants hung like drapes from his lower back. Anyhoo, that's off topic, what i'm saying is you don't have to be in lvoe to have a love seat, trust me. 

11.1973

Man... letters pages. I wuz just thinking how crazy that shit is. People would actually write on pieces of paper and those would get taken to other people. Well... I was getting nostalgiac about all that and then i realized that that meant that  these readers had their grubby little mits on the actual paper that would be delivered. I don't love email, but you never get a pube stuck to anything. I can't believe they even accepted letters, straight from your dick beaters to our secratary's... clit slappers?. it was a more trusting time, i guess, or maybe there were pubes on everything since nobody shaved that snizz

02.1975

 Can a man find glory in a hole? Do you really find glory? I've always thought of it as something more of an achievement. You achieve glory. Well, most of us don't, but some do/have. I've always thought that the "glory hole" term was meant to be ironic, like happy hour at a bar. It's when the saddest drunks get their drinks at a discount. Ya don't shove your dick into the unknown and expect something good to happen. Probably the opposite. Of course, i've nver been one to put my pal into places unknown, but maybe that's because we're cool. Maybe the guys who shove their dicks into the unknown are hoping soemthing bad happens. Maybe they want the dick gone but can't figure out how to do it themselves? I dunno. I'm a simple guy. This is funny, tho

03.1982

Cockquistador. 

05.1977

Another thing about Knob, there's noen ofthat "customer is always right" bullshit like today. No, the editors were openly hostile to their readers. I find that oddly refreshing. I get it, you work on something for hours and hours and thensme dipshit waddles in adn takes a giant shit on your work. The internet'sonly made this worse because anybody anywhere can share their opinon wihtout even leaving the house. You can ruin someone's day in your underpants. I guess that's progress. 

I clipped this one, because it's funny, but also because it references a piece I already clipped for a previous post.

04.1976

This one really takes me back. Back in the day, there wasn’t no internet and so unless you found some Playboy’s under a log in the woods or or you had Cinemax, there wasn’t much available information into women’s bodies. There was the National Geographic, sure, but that was only waist up stuff. Yeah, young people have it easy these days. If you’re dating someone and they say something is off or funny about your body, you can prolly just send them links to other examples of the same type of bodily quirk having sex, maybe even with another human.

09.1978

I been posting here and forgetting about all the little one-offs they have in every issue. I’ll clip more of those. They just sqeeze things in anywhere there's space. This one was pretty small but I blew it up a bit to make it easier to read. It was down in a corner on a page with an article on outhouses, so they were thematically linkes. No matter how much stuff changes, aliens probing people is a constant throughout the ages. Not sure how they found time to build the pyramids…

06.1982

Wondering if a woman would be a better dick pilot, for lack of a better term, than a man. I could really see it go either way. Sure the guy has more hands on experience, heh heh, but the lady would know what she wants it to do and how. Feel free to chime in in the comments.

07.1976

Dig this crazy ad! Google says that Ikea opened in Canada in ‘76, before America. Weird, huh? That was the thing with Knob Magazine, the ads could be better than the actual content, sometimes.

03.1977

Pretty sure I actually remember reading this one as a kid back when I'd sneak into the old man's magazines. Course I still thought girl swere icky and the last thing I'd want was dating advice. Now I'm all grown up and single again, maybe now's the time to put some of these old nuggests into practive...

01.1974

 I couldn't remember which page I sent you last time adn didn't want to keep forwading emails so I got this site set up. It's free so don't worry, and you can send the links to your friends or whatever. Maybe we'll go vital.

I left the comments on to see if anybody finds this, what they have to say. Myabbe it'll just be spam. I don't ever really hear anybody talk about Knob Magazine anymore, so here the are. They'be been out of business for years so I don't think they're gonna sue me, but if you are about to sue me, let me know and I'll take this all down. The copywrite notices on the issues are all jokey so I can't tell who even owned any of this stuff when it was published. I put the issue date in as the title in case somebody wants to hunt down a copy for themselves. You just don't see stuff like this anymore.

Enjoy!

Best of Knob... again.

 Well, I started out on Tumblr, but apparently you can't show "realistic" penises over there. Drawings. Of penises.  Whatever. so I'm migrating those posts here and that account will be no longer. New stuff will appear here. enjoy.